Y’all know what this shit is about by now. And if not – how the fuck did you get here?!
Obligatory links are obligatory:
Enjoy Ezekiel III himself performing a dramatic reading of Part II! And when you’re done with that, enjoy Part III!
At the US Mexico border in the southwestern part of Texas, a large horde of ICE agents had locked down the crossing and weren’t letting anyone through. Despite this, a flamboyantly dressed man in a leather jacket was still trying his best to welcome a caravan of female asylum seekers into the country. The man had long, curly hair adorned with a floppy velvet top hat. He wore white glasses and his teeth were covered in some sort of shiny metal. When he addressed the ice agents, it was hard for them to understand him because he had a very strong lisp. Nevertheless, he persisted.
‘Why are you trying to prevent these beautiful, respectable bitches from entering this wonderful land of freedom and opportunity?” The pimp named Sweetness insisted. “The only thing these hoes are trying to do is make a better life for themselves by providing my clientele with the spicy mochachino pussy that they desire!” [Don’t read this part, but maybe ad lib a longer rant here in the true spirit of Sweetness? Your call. Have fun with it]
In the middle of Sweetness’ rant, the ICE agent he was talking to rolled his eyes at the belligerent pimp and flipped the switch on his ice blaster ray gun. A high-pitched electronic whine grew slowly less audible as the weapon charged up. “Move along, sir. We’re not going to let these filthy illegal immigrants take jobs away from hard-working American prostitutes!” ICE agent Jethro insisted.
“Um, excuse me, but bitches these days prefer to be referred to as ‘sex workers’, thank you very much!” Sweetness corrected him. Little did Sweetness know that Jethro had a very short temper, and was starting to get angry. Jethro lifted his ice laser gun and started to slowly squeeze the trigger when sweetness pulled out his smartphone and began recording.
“This Is police brutality! This is unconstitutional! this is a travesty and an abomination of our American rights for life, and liberties, and the pursuit of sexual happiness! Shame on you, sir! SHAME!” Sweetness ranted, holding his phone in the air.
A handful of fellow ICE agents saw that Jethro was in trouble and slowly approached the ruckus. All of them flicked their ice blasters on, and the audible sound of the weapons screeching to life made Sweetness begin to lower his phone. The agents gathered around him in a semicircle, guns aimed and ready, backing him up against the under-construction border wall.
Sweetness lifted a hand to pimp-slap the ICE agents into submission, but the agents were too quick for him. One of them got a shot off and pinned Sweetness’ pimp hand up against the wall, freezing it in place. Sweetness pulled at his own wrist, struggling to get his hand free from the block of ice when something completely unexpected happened…
[5 minutes earlier, on the other side of the under-construction border wall]
The air above the asphalt shimmered with the ambient heat of the desert as Glitch Bitch and Ironface walked north on CH Highway 67 through the eastern region of Chihuahua, México.
“You know, I wouldn’t be sweating my nards off right now if you had just BEHAVED like we DISCUSSED!” Glitch Bitch shouted angrily.
Ironface shrugged, which was probably the closest thing Glitch Bitch would ever get to an actual apology. The two hadn’t spoken since they washed up on the western shore of the Gulf of Mexico a couple of days earlier. But their journey there was quite a treck indeed.
The unlikely couple met for the first time several weeks ago when they massacred a group of protesters, soldiers, and law enforcement officers together. It was the most violently romantic experience either of them had ever had. After several months of erotic exploration and double murder, Glitch Bitch decided to surprise Ironface with a holiday gift. S/he bought some discount tickets for a Caribbean Christmas Couples Cruise on Carnivore Cruise Lines. Glitch Bitch tried to teach Ironface how to behave during the day so that they could enjoy their vacation undetected. And if he was a good boy, then they would sneak into the cabins of other passengers at night and murder them to death with sexual torture. That way, they could enjoy their cruise without getting kicked off the boat and also satisfy their insatiable bloodlust.
Unsurprisingly, Glitch Bitch’s plan didn’t last long. It was just before noon on the first day when Ironface snapped. He was sitting on the edge of the kiddie pool and soaking his feet in the warm water when he noticed that two small toddlers standing next to him were excreting yellow clouds of urine into the pool. That made him MAD. So he grabbed both children by the throat and started slamming their skulls together repeatedly.
Everyone started running around and screaming in terror. Cruise boat security tried to control Ironface’s violent rage, but they weren’t very effective. They couldn’t stop Ironface from continuing his bloody rampage as he stormed over to the nativity scene. All the figurines were wearing miniature leis, flamingo-print shorts, and tiny flip-flops. The baby jesus was holding a tiny coconut with a miniature straw and a paper umbrella sticking out of the top. But unfortunately for baby Jesus, this tacky display was about to be weaponized for murder.
Ironface started by shot-putting the three wise men figurines into the crowd of angry people who were trying to stop him. 17 families and 4 dogs were brutally murdered in the process. Ironface then stomped violently all over the baby Jesus, smashing it into 500 million pieces and shaking the entire boat like an earthquake. A couple of young newlyweds were at the front of the boat trying to recreate an iconic scene from the movie Titanic when this happened. The violent shaking sent them tumbling over the rails where they were viciously and sexually assaulted to death by a gang of young male dolphins shortly after hitting the water.
Finally, the Admiral of the boat climbed to the top of the cruise ship and manned the massive defense cannon that was mounted on top. He launched a cannonball the size of a Hyundai Prius straight into Ironface’s torso. It did not destroy his body (due to Ironface’s super strength of course), but it knocked him over the edge of the boat and sent him flailing into the ocean. Glitch Bitch cracked their whip around Ironface’s ankle and ended up getting dragged overboard with him.
Glitch Bitch and Ironface arrived at the Mexico/US border just in time to see a handful of ICE agents crowding around a man whose hand was pinned to the wall with ice. Women and children were locked up in makeshift cadges. Everyone except Sweetness and the ICE agents cowered in terror as la pesadilla de hierro approached.
Glitch Bitch looked up at Ironface with an aroused eyebrow. “If you’re ready to get back on the bad side of my good side, here’s your chance,” s/he moaned. Ironface squatted down so that Glitch Bitch could hop onto his back. Then the two started dashing toward the ICE agents.
Glitch Bitch cracked their whip around an ICE agent’s arm. The razor-sharp steel tip severed the limb from his body and Glitch Bitch reeled it back in, ice blaster ray gun still clutched in the now-dead hand. The gun purred with a high-pitched hum that got Glitch Bitch moist with excitement. S/he jumped off of Ironface’s back and began firing, turning several of the ICE agents into human ice sculptures.
As Glitch Bitch set them up, Ironface knocked them down like hollow bowling pins. He punched the frozen ICE agent Jethro with an uppercut that shattered his body into 37 separate pieces and launched them into the thermosphere, where they instantly caught on fire. The body parts then fell back to Earth, igniting wildfires and burning down houses and bridges. The agent’s flaming head landed in a large bowl of Karen’s raisin-potato salad at a local neighborhood cookout. Attendees were even more horrified by the severed head than they were by the bland, disgusting side dish it had rendered inedible.
Glitch Bitch was overwhelmed with excitement at the sight of all the carnage – so much so that s/he started dry-humping the nearest frozen ICE agent. Ironface looked back over his shoulder, saw what was happening, and flew into a jealous rage. He destroyed Glitch Bitch’s new frozen sex doll with three violent spinning back-kicks. Glitch Bitch was knocked to the ground while a set of keys flew from the belt of the murdered ICE agent and fell right in front of one of the cages.
Sweetness’ bitches grabbed the keys and freed themselves just as the world-renowned pimp was finally able to loose himself from the wall. He gathered his new hoes and herded them over to some shelter. Then he pulled out his phone again. “Hello?! Operator?! Yes, yes, I need your help!” He cried into the phone. “I need to make an interstellar collect call to my brother from another other-worldly mother! Right now! This is an emergency of pimptastical proportions!”
The remaining ICE agents started to fight back by removing detained MS-13 gang members from their cells. The prisoners – bound but not gagged – were then forced into the buckets of the ICE catapults. The agents doused them with gasoline and set them on fire moments before launching them over the under-construction border wall at Ironface and Glitch Bitch. The ICE agents had hoped that their screams of terror and pain would intimidate the enemy. Little did they know that that’s exactly what Glitch Bitch and Ironface wanted to hear.
The launching of the flaming prisoners only accomplished two things. One, the flaming prisoners set all of the unused building materials on fire, delaying construction of the border wall and costing millions and millions of dollars in damage. Two, it provided the perfect distraction for what was about to happen next.
A dark stormcloud seemed to appear out of nowhere in the middle of the clear blue sky. As it grew larger and larger, an ominous rumble rippled from within. The thunder grew defeningly loud as the cloud expanded into a mass of smoke and flame that blocked out the sun. Finally, a pink and gold spaceship slowly descended from the sky and flew back and forth over the scene, indiscriminately firing its laser guns at everything in its way. It swept a path southeast to northwest and back, vaporizing the remaining ICE agents into pink mist and setting the entire border wall on fire. The wall exploded section by section, from California to Texas, crumbling to ash and destabilizing the soil beneath so that nothing could ever be built there ever again.
Amongst the chaos and rampant destruction, the spaceship landed near the shelter where Sweetness and his new bitches were cowering. Sweetness and his friend Bubblegum, the Intergalactic Pimp of the Future, figured that the smoke and the panic would give them enough time to load the bitches up into the ship and blast off to a Playa’s Christmas Ball on Uranus. But Glitch Bitch and Ironface had miraculously survived the barrage and started running in their direction. The deadly pair were far from done with their killing spree.
The pimps were only halfway through getting the bitches on board when a nylon whip cracked through the smoke and decapitated Rosalita. As Glitch Bitch was trying to retract the whip, Bubblegum grabbed it in midair and yanked them forward. S/he flew through the cloud of smoke and landed face-first into backhand side of Bubblegum’s Bitch-Slappin’ Glove™. The disorienting force of the blow sent Glitch Bitch sailing 23 meters back across the border into Mexico. This time, the Glitch Bitch didn’t get back up.
With Glitch Bitch out of the way, Bubblegum bullet-jumped forward into the mist. His pink-ass pimp cape fluttered beautifully behind him as he barreled head-first into Ironface’s torso and knocked him on his ass. Ironface’s abdominal muscles were still sore from the cannonball and the blow knocked the wind out of him.
Bubblegum had Ironface right where he wanted him. He walked up to his injured foe with his pink space pistol drawn and his finger on the golden trigger. Ironface was doubled over with his hand on his side, gasping for air. Bubblegum aimed the barrel of his pimp-gun right at the lone screw in the middle of Ironface’s mask and pulled the trigger. This looked like the end for Ironface.
Except it wasn’t. The blast ricocheted off the iron mask like it was nothing, doing little more than loosening that middle screw. Ironface looked up at Bubblegum, glaring pure rage at him from underneath the eyeholes of his mask as he grasped the barrel of the gun. He crushed the pistol in his bare hand like it was made of aluminum foil and stood back up on his own two feet.
Bubblegum tossed the pistol aside and pulled out his Ma’Tok staff. He dashed and danced around Ironface, unleashing a volley of lightening-quick strikes with the two-handed weapon – but Ironface was just too fast for him. He dodged every blow as if he knew they were coming. Ironface eventually snatched the staff out of Bubblegum’s hands, pulled the trigger, and blew a basketball-sized hole through his torso with it. But he wasn’t done yet. He grabbed Bubblegum by the shoulder, he used his other hand to plant the staff firmly into the ground, and he impaled Bubblegum upon it. When Ironface noticed that Bubblegum was still breathing, he grabbed his pink-ass pimp cape and slowly choked him to death until the Pimp of the Future was no more.
After he knew his foe was dead, Ironface began desperately searching for Glitch Bitch. He eventually found their unconscious body sprawled out in the middle of the desert and fell to his knees by their side. Ironface picked up Glitch Bitch, cradling them in his arms and glaring angrily up into the sky. It was then that he noticed the pink and gold MOAB bomb dropping right on top of him. The bomb was falling so fast that he barely had time to brace for the explosion.
Inside the cockpit of the ship, Sweetness was watching the whole fight on camera. Pimp tears of Cristal Champagne streamed down his cheeks as he pawed at the video screen which showed his pimp-friend dying. The bitches were hovering over his shoulders and crying quiet tears of their own. Suddenly, In his deepest moment of despair, an indicator light blinked on the console which read “Press X to Resurrect”. Sweetness slammed his hand down on the button and Bubblegum was instantly teleported back into the cockpit, alive and well.
Bubblegum patted himself in disbelief before exclaiming “Fuck this planet! Let’s get the fuck outta here!” in a voice that was eerily identical to Sweetness’. He took his seat in the captain’s chair and began readying the ship for takeoff. Sweetness and his new bitches followed suit and strapped in for a rough departure.
“But before we do that…” Bubblegum mused to himself before pressing a big, red button labeled Extremely Dangerous Bomb – Emergency Use Only. “Choke me like a bitch again, muthafucka! I dare ya! Take THAT, ya bitch ass ho!” Bubblegum yelled.
The two pimps and their hoes watched with anticipation as the bomb fell to earth and exploded in a magnificent blast of ash and flame. The mushroom cloud could be seen from hundreds of miles away.
“Happy birthday Jesus, and God Bless America!” The bitches heard Sweetness exclaim as they flew out of sight. Bubblegum pressed another button and they began zooming toward Uranus at ludicrous speed.
[Back on Earth…]
The bomb exploded with such force that it blew a crater in the earth 18 meters wide and 6 feet deep. The environment was devastated. One could hear nary a cricket chirp in the wake of the battle. That evening, the sun set and the night sky twinkled beautifully over a field of mushy, thawing body parts which were being pecked at by carrion birds. As the full moon traipsed across the deep navy backdrop of glistening stars, it cast a pale light deep down into the epicenter of the bomb’s crater.
At first glance, one may have disregarded it as merely a trick of the light; but at second, it was undeniably clear that the earth was stirring. After a few seconds of dry soil shifting and undulating, a large, muscular fist burst out of the ground. It was clutching a black nylon whip with a razor-sharp steel tip that glinted in the pale moonlight.
(Since some of your fuckers bitched about it last time, here’s a fucking teaser in a boxed paragraph at the end of this story advertising the next one. YOU’RE WELCOME!)
If you missed part one of the Ironface REDUX series – Ironface vs. Glitch bitch: THE SHOWDOWN! – feel free to browse the vods at https://www.twitch.tv/ezekiel_iii/videos or ask Scott to get up off his lazy ass and upload it to YouTube already (PS: fuck you, Scott)
Also, you really need to check out the original Ironface stories from DP of The Sour Koolaid Show if you haven’t already. Without DP’s horrifically violent imagination as a young boy, Ironface REDUX wouldn’t exist and credit needs to be given where it’s due, damn it. Thank you DP for being a drunken inspiration and giving me an excuse to get back in touch with my own terrifying inner child.
But wait! The Ironface REDUX series isn’t over yet! What happened to the Glitch Bitch?! Why is Ironface wielding their whip now?!? And will mankind ever make it to Mars? Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the third and final installment of the Ironface REDUX series: Ironface In SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!!!