This adventure is largely based on the very first IRL D&D session I ever played. My college friends got me into the game back in 2006, and I’ve been hooked ever since.
Yes, I really did play a monk named Lei Du Naugh*
Yes, she was egregiously sexually assaulted and we played it up for laughs because we’re garbage humans (trigger warning)
Yes, I tried to grapple a nickel and failed
And yes, I scored an unexpectedly epic crit – but I fudged the details in the story to make it a little more entertaining for folks who weren’t there.
As always, enjoy!
“What are you guys playing?” Ahsley asked innocently, staring at her new friends’ game. They were playing something with tiny figurines, multi-faceted polyhedrons with different numbers carved into each side, and strange pictures drawn on a washable surface filled with squares. It was intriguing, and they seemed to be having lots of fun.
“It’s called B&B, short for Bastilles and Behemoths,” answered Marc, Amiee’s boyfriend. Since the girls had returned from Spain, they’d kept in touch, and had even started hanging out on weekends during the school year.
“Wait a minute…” Ahsley paused, deep in thought. “’Bastille’ is another word for ‘prison’, because Luis the XIV lived in one before the French destroyed it; and ‘behemoth’ is another word for monster, or…dragon! You guys are playing dungeons and dragons!” Ahsley cried, almost speechless with shock…almost.
“You say toe-may-toe,” Marc shrugged. “You should play with us though. It’s really fun once you get the hang of it, and the rules really aren’t that hard to learn.”
“Yeah, we could use a new Sorcizard, since Christobal isn’t playing with us anymore,” Aimee blurted out before the others could stop her.
“Cristo-who? And why isn’t he playing with you guys anymore?” Ahsley asked, confused.
“Well, see, there was this incident with a dragon, and…yeah…hey, look! Something shiny!” Marc cried suddenly, pointing into the distance.
“Oooh, shiny? Where?!?” Ahsley asked, searching frantically for the luminescent object Marc was pretending to point to.
“She’s perfect,” Marc giggled gleefully, rubbing his hands together in the stereotypical bad-guy fashion. The others looked at him with worry.
“So…what do I do?” Ahsley began, sitting down and playing with the pretty dice.
“Well, first you have to pick what type of character you want to be,” Marc began. “You have to choose your race from the different creatures available, and then you have to choose your class, then your alignment, then-“
“How about I be something simple, since I have no idea what the heck I’m doing,” Ahsley interrupted him.
“Okay then, forget the sorcizard character; you’ll be a lawful-neutral human monk with evasive maneuvers and extra-judo-choppiness,” Marc told her.
“I’m a what?” Ahsley replied, raising a confused eyebrow.
“You run around and hit things with your fists,” Marc simplified. “And your name, since you’re a Chinese monk, is Lei Du Naugh.”
“Okay!” Ahsley agreed cheerily. “Wait, what does that name mean?”
“We’ve learned not to ask,” Aimee whispered.
“All right, so in order to introduce your character…” Marc began, typing for a minute on his laptop before continuing on with the game…
You are now in the emperor’s castle. Far off in the distance, you can hear a young woman screaming; it appears as though his royal highness has acquired a new virgin concubine, and is “breaking her in”, so to speak.
“Okay, you have two choices now,” Marc announced after he had finished describing the scenario. “You can either rescue the concubine by sneaking into the bed chamber and attacking emperor Yu,” he said, pointing at Ahsley, “or-“
“But I thought you said I was Lei Du Naugh? And a monk?” Ahsley asked, confused.
“You are. But you’re being raped by Yu,” Marc corrected her.
“How can I be raping myself?” Ahsley cried, still confused.
“No!” Marc barked, desperately trying help Ahsley understand the situation. “Yu is the emperor!”
“Well now you’re just using poor grammar,” Ahsley scoffed.
Marc slapped himself on the forehead and shook his head back and forth.
“I say we rescue the concubine. And can we make it quick? I want to use that as a stopping point to pause and order our dinner. I’m getting hungry,” Aimee interrupted. Everyone nodded in agreement, and decided to move their figurines toward the rectangle which was serving as a pictographic representation of the emperor’s bedroom…
*4 hours later*
“What do you mean ‘as far as I can tell’?” Gemee argued, annoyed with Marc’s cryptic response to her search check. They were at the emperor’s bedroom door, and Gemee was concerned that there may be a trap on said door. This confused the other players, because it seemed like a door through which many different people walked through unharmed, and on a regular basis.
“I mean that as far as you can tell, there are no traps on the door. And you rolled pretty high, so either there are no traps, or it’s a really big trap that will kill you all,” Marc giggled.
“You know, maybe I’m better off as a repeatedly-raped concubine,” Ahsley pondered thoughtfully.
“No! We are entering the room, we are rescuing Lei, and then we are FINALLY ORDERING SOME DINNER BEFORE AIMEE SCORES A CRITICAL HIT IN REAL LIFE!” Screamed a hungry, frustrated Aimee.
“What is a ‘critical hit’?” Asked a scared, confused Ahsley.
“Well, in the game, it’s when you roll so high on an attack roll that you deal extra points of damage,” Marc whispered, while Gemee dialed the number for Pizzeria Cabin on her cell phone.
“Oh,” mumbled Ahsley, now understanding the implications of the hungry Aimee’s threats. Mark then hurriedly continued with the game:
Your party enters the harem to see a few dozen concubines lounging around in exotic lingerie and feasting upon fresh fruit. Huddled in the corner is a badly beaten Chinese woman, dressed in torn, blood-stained rags.
“Ooh, the pizza is here!” Cried Gemee. She had just received a phone call on her cell phone telling them that the delivery boy had arrived with the pizza. “I’ll be right back.”
“Hurry up!” Marc ordered, continuing with the exposition while Gemee ran downstairs to get the food:
One of the concubines who is tending to the woman notices that some of you are wounded. She offers to let you and the other injured woman, a monk named Lei, rest in the harem until you are well.
“Ooh, the pizza is delicious,” Ahsley commented in the middle of Marc’s description.
“Hey, do we have any Mountain Dew?” Aimee asked.
“No! Now pay attention!” Marc continued:
After you have all finished resting, you hear the sounds of a fearsome battle happening outside. Apparently, a rival nation has begun to storm the emperor’s castle. If you want to make it out of this alive, you have to join the rival nation and help them defeat Emperor Yu.
“This is the BEST pizza I have EVER tasted in my ENTIRE life,” cooed a happy Aimee, now on her third slice of pizza. “Wait, what’s going on?!”
“A war. A war is going on outside. And if you want to live, you’ll go outside and join the rival nation. If you stay in the castle, they’ll assume you work for the emperor and slaughter you on sight.
“But I don’t want to be slaughtered!” whined a fearful Ahsley.
“Well, Lei might not have to worry about getting slaughtered,” Marc replied. Ahsley breathed a sigh of relief.
“Why not?” asked a curious Aimee, noticing a familiar glint of mischief in her boyfriend’s eye.
“Because they’ll keep her alive to use as a sex slave,” he giggled.
“More rape? Why me?!?” bemoaned Ahsley.
“Well, if you go outside and join the battle, there’s a pretty good chance you’ll live through it without dying or being raped,” Marc insisted.
“What are our other options?” Gemee asked.
“There are none! You have no other options! Now move your figs outside of the castle before I make you all roll reflex saves to avoid being crushed by the giant boulder that the attacking nation is hurling at you with its catapults!” cried a very frustrated Marc.
“Fine,” grumbled Gemee. “I check the hallway for traps-“
“THERE ARE NO MORE TRAPS! OUTSIDE, NOW!” screamed Marc. Gemee, mumbling something mildly offensive under her breath, grabbed her fig and moved it outside the castle with everyone else.
Once outside, Marc described the new scene. It was quite a sight to see…or at least pretend to see:
Before all of you lies a virtual sea of soldiers. As far as the eye can see, there is neither a spot of dirt nor an inch of grass; every available space is covered with flailing bodies fighting in combat. Directly in front, a group of Yu’s cavalry are mowing down foot soldiers. From further away, archers are staving off the offensive attack, but could be picked off easily by a cunning bowman hiding in a nearby tree. To your right, a defensive catapult threatens reinforcements from joining the battle.
Marc, after running out of figs to represent the soldiers, was reduced to using spare change. Though resourceful, it required the dimes, nickels, and pennies of almost every player. Once the impromptu foot soldiers were in place, it was time for battle.
“So, what do you guys want to do?” Marc asked his players.
“If I take on the cavalry, can I ride a horsey?” asked an enthused Aimee.
“Yes; if you slaughter the horsemen, you can ride the pretty pony,” Marc patronized, patting his girlfriend affectionately on the head.
“Yay! I get a pony!” Aimee cheered.
“I’ll climb up into that nearby tree and take out the archers,” Gemee announced. “But I’m checking it for traps first!”
Marc glared at her as she began to roll the d20. “I’d take 10 if I were you.”
“Fine…‘the rogue climbs into the tree and starts picking off miserable little nancy archers’,” grumbled Gemee.
“Can I take out the catapult?” Ahsley asked. Marc nodded; the players then took their positions and rolled initiative.
On the battle field, fighting is intense. Your best fighter charges forth to tackle the cavalry, while your rogue picks off the archers from a stealthy location up in a tree. Despite these hits to their forces, the enemy is still comforted by the fact that their defensive catapults remain intact and unharmed.
Suddenly, the foot soldiers controlling the catapult are surprised by a furious-looking Chinese monk charging them at full speed. Lei attempts to wrestle one of the soldiers to the ground. The two square off…
“I want to grapple the nickel!” cried an excited Ahsley.
“Roll an opposing strength check,” Marc requested politely, preparing to roll a D-20 simultaneously with her. Unfortunately, Ahsley’s roll failed to score higher than Marc’s.
“What do you mean I failed?” Ahsley whined.
“The soldier rolled higher than you. You failed to oppose his strength,” Marc explained matter-of-factly.
“But how can it be stronger than me? It’s a friggin’ nickel! Look, see! I’m grappling it!” cried a furious Ahsley, picking up the nickel and squeezing it tightly with her hand.
“Sorry, he still beats you,” shrugged Mark.
“This sucks! These rules are stupid! I don’t want to play anymore!” cried Ashley, throwing her dice across the board and knocking out a few of the enemy soldiers.
“That should count!” Gemee declared, pointing to the deceased pocket change.
“ENOUGH!” bellowed Marc, sweeping all the pieces off the board and erasing the map. “We’re going to play a new game.”
**Two Hours Later**
“Okay everyone, until you guys can learn the rules, we’re going to start slow and play B&B Present,” Marc announced after setting up a new map and writing up a quick campaign.
“What is ‘B&B Present’?” Ahsley asked innocently.
“It’s like regular B&B, but it’s happening…RIGHT NOW!” Marc announced melodramatically. Ahsley’s eyes grew wide with fear.
“Not literally,” Aimee soothed her. “The game takes place in present-day times. It makes it a little bit easier to play,” she explained. Ahsley took a deep breath and began to calm down. Once everyone was ready, Marc began to describe the scene:
All of you are a part of an international spy unit. On your first mission out of the intense training program, you are trying to infiltrate the Super Secret Sewer Assassins-
“‘Assassins’ doesn’t start with the letter ‘s’!” Protested Gemee.
“I only had two hours! Give me a friggin’ break,” Marc snapped before returning to his setting of the scene.
The Sewer Assassins have their super secret headquarters in – you guessed it – a sewer. Under cover of darkness, all of you sneak in to the sewer to surprise the gang. Unfortunately, you aren’t the first group of people to try this tactic, and they are more than prepared with a trapped ambush. You narrowly escape being taken out by a swinging wall of spikes before the sewer Assassins jump out to surprise you.
“Everyone roll initiative,” Marc announced. Ahsley somehow rolled the higest, and had the option to go first.
“Uh, before I decide on an action…can you describe the room?” Ahsley asked.
“It’s a sewer,” Mark answered indignantly.
“Could you be more specific?” Ahsley requested politely.
Mark rolled his eyes, but decided to indulge her anyway. “You all are wading around in raw sewage up to your ankles, and the walls are solid concrete with the exception of the wall of spikes behind your attackers,” Marc explained.
“And you said we can use improvised weapons, right?” Ahsley asked cautiously.
“Yes…why?” Marc answered regretfully, disturbed by the smirk on Ahsley’s face.
“You said we could use improvised weapons, and the only thing I have on me right now is a D-20, so I’m improvising!” Ahsley announced. “Maria throws a D-20 at the leader of the henchmen!”
“Well, it’s completely against the rules, but I’ll go ahead and allow it this one time because according to the handbook, it’s infinitesimally small and won’t do any damage,” Marc explained.
Little did Marc know that Ahsley was about to roll the greatest number of Nat-20s in the history of B&B. She rolled so many crits, Marc could no longer keep track of the multiplication in his head.
“Enough! You’ve killed him already! We need to get on with the game!” he insisted after watching Ahsley roll for ten minutes, with no apparent end to the Nat-20s in sight.
Maria pulls a 20-sided polyhedron out of her pocket and aims carefully at the leader’s head. At first, the ping of the D-20 seems to do no more than stun the large, bald, muscular man, but he rears his head back in shock so quickly and forcefully that he accidentally slams his head against the wall of spikes. A 6-inch rusty nail becomes lodged into his skull, blood dripping down the back of his neck. His lifeless body twitches for a few seconds before finally falling limp.
A round of cheers roared from her fellow players. Ahsley bowed gracefully.
(DC check for The End is 25; the author hopes you put ranks in Finish Story!)
*Lei Du Naugh, loosely translated from Cantonese, means “you fuck me”.