Adventure #1: Ahsley’s Financial Absolution

Background info: I was never very close to my dad when I was younger, and always hated going to visit him after he moved to Florida (I was still living in Oklahoma at the time with my mom). I hated missing out on spending holidays with friends. This story came about one year when I found out I was going to have to spend Christmas in Florida, even though my best friends and I didn’t want me to go. We didn’t actually dress up and sell pictures of ourselves as jail-bait sluts, but imagine how rich we could have been if we had…

“Oh no!” Ahsley said one day at lunch while reading a letter she had recently got in the mail.

“What?” Jeniffer, one of her best friends asked.

“I’m going to spend the entire Christmas Break at my dad’s!” She cried.

“And miss my 16th birthday party?” Kym asked, horrified.

“Oh, yeah, I guess,” Ahsley mumbled aloofly. Well, at least I don’t have to waste money on a gift she thought.

“And there’s gonna be a Chip N’ Dale male stripper there too!” Kym


“Oh the humanity!” Ahsley wailed, cupping her face in her hands.

“Wait, where does your dad live again?” Jeniffer asked.

“Oh, he lives in HELL.” Ahsley informed them matter-of-factly.

“Well, then you get to work on your tan and meet hot guys, so what’s your problem?” Jeniffer asked.

“My problem is that whenever I get there, I’m gagged, tied down, and don’t see the light of day until it’s time to leave, because my dad is evil, evil right down to his cold little black heart which pumps not blood like yours and mine, but rather a thick vomitous oil that oozes through his rotten veins and clots in his pea-sized brain which becomes the cause of his chauvinist patterns of pigheaded behavior,” Ahsley explained. Kym and Jeniffer just nodded and smiled.

“But what’ll we do? You have to be here for my birthday party!” Kym bellowed.

“And for Christmas, so you can give us presents!” Jeniffer pleaded.

“And aren’t you just getting things started with that Richardo guy?” Kym asked.

Suddenly, Ahsley had an idea.

“Hey, I suddenly have an idea!” Ahsley chirped.

“What? What is it?” Jeniffer and Kym asked.

“Girls, grab a camera, some pigtail holders, washcloths, skanky tops, and blow pops, and meet me at Kym’s house after school.”

***Tim lapse***

“All right Ahsley, what’s your idea?” Kym asked as soon as they were all in her room.

“First, we’re going to put our hair up into two high pigtails on our heads. Then, we’re going to put on our skanky tops and stuff our bras with the washcloths. After that, we’re gonna start sucking on these blow-pops, take Britney-esque pictures of ourselves, and-“

“Log on to E-bay and sell them over the Internet, making enough money to buy you a ticket home from HELL!” Jeniffer cried excitedly.

“well, I was going to sell them around school, but we could make a much higher profit off the Internet!” Ahsley said enthusiastically.

So the girls set to work taking about 3,000 pictures with Ahsley’s Polaroid instant film camera. Then they went into Kym’s brother, Chii’s room to log on to the Internet.

“Chii, get off the computer! We have important work to do,” Kym demanded.

“Go away, I’m looking for acne medications,” Chii grumbled.

“Oh Cheese, I’ll give you this if you get off right now,” Ashley teased, waving one of her sexy pics in his face.

“Wow,” his eyes bugged out. He slowly got up and walked out of the room in a zombie-like state.

The girls got online and sold every single picture, and priced each pic at $29.95 US/ $199.95 Canada. Their profits totaled way more than three teenage girls are supposed to have, even after they bought Ahsley the ticket home. So they all spent their Christmas together, the way it was meant to be, with some hella good presents:

“Aww, Kym, A gift certificate for one night with AJ McLean! You shouldn’t have!”

“Thanks for the Rolls Royce Ahs! I just hope Daniel will stay away from it!”

“My own computer! Thanks Jeniffer, you know how Chii always hogs it!”

“Another gift certificate for a night with AJ McLean! Thanks Jeniffer, you two are the greatest!”

“Aww Kym, how did you know I wanted the Creed CD?”

“Thanks for the diamond-studded calligraphy pen Ahsley. No, you can’t borrow it! Get your own, you have the money!”

So the girls rejoiced in their presents, AJ enjoyed Ahsley’s gift certificates almost more than she did, sleeping beauty was awakened by the prince’s kiss and they all lived happily ever after.


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