Raise your hand if you remember that old show The Deadliest Warrior. Now put your hand back down, because I can’t see you. What are you even doing?
Anyway, I was a fan back in the day, despite the fact that it was about as scientific as a study paid for by Exon Mobil that says climate change isn’t real. Eventually, their dubious analysis got so absurd that my brain took the next logical step and wrote this.
This shit is dangerous. Don’t try this at home. Seriously. We aren’t legally responsible if you blow your head off.
Also, the statements made in this program are nothing more than the opinions of the hyperactive man-children who host the show. Don’t expect these results to show up in any peer-reviewed journals any time soon.
Today, on The Most Deadlier Combatant, the age-old question of who would win in a fight between an apple…
[cut to still shot of apple]
…and an orange…
[cut to still shot of orange]
…will be decided. TODAY! On…the…Most Deadlier Combatant!
And now, our hosts:
Jeoffrey Du Mullin applies 21st century technology to old weapons because it’s cool and because he can, THAT’S WHY. He earned a karate black-belt once when he was 12 but had to quit after a girl broke his nose in a sparring match. He’s been really into fighty-stuff ever since, though.
Armandoux Dorianne left the medical field once he realized he was good looking enough for TV. He points at mangled pig carcasses and prattles on about what he can remember from his Anatomy 101 med school courses – and looks damn sexy doing it.
Richie Mac is a former Navy SEAL who provides anecdotal and cursory analyses of battle and strategy. The only reason he has a job here is because he claims a ‘friend of his’ can get us authentic copies of the Bin Laden death photos, and the producers think that’s cool. As. SHIT.
Our Resident Nerd of the Week changes frequently, due to something our HR department calls a ‘hostile working environment’. Whoever it is this week, he will plug all of the ‘scientific data’ into our computer simulator and tell us WHO…IS…THE…MOST…DEADLIER!!!
THE APPLE – A seemingly docile fruit, the apple has been responsible for the expulsion of man from Paradise and nearly assassinating one of the smartest nerds of all time, Sir Figgac Newton.
THE ORANGE – often grown in tropical climates, oranges are large, heavy fruits which can eliminate Scurvy with deadly efficiency.
To begin, our experts will test the armor of both the apple and the orange against each other…
JDM: “Now because skinning an apple in one piece is really hard, we’re created an analog by dipping a piece of paper in water and then letting it dry in the sun for an hour.”
AD: “That’s right Jeoff, doing this will give us a realistic consistency and help us determine how vulnerable the apple’s armor is against instant kills.”
JDM: “And for the orange, we’re going to create an orange-shaped mold out of plaster and fill it with corn syrup and red food dye. This accurately simulates what will happen to an orange filled with blood in a realistic combat scenario.”
AD: “But Jeoff, don’t oranges come in all shapes and sizes? How are we going to accurately replicate the thickness of the orange rind?”
JDM: “Oh, uh…can we use the orange my wife packed in my lunch this morning as our model?”
AD: “Works for me.” (shrugs)
The armor will be tested by throwing an orange at the analog of the apple’s armor. Afterward, Armandoux Dorianne will examine the carnage!
[JDM screams out an unintelligible countdown, followed by a perfectly annunciated “THROW IT!” Richie Mac then throws an orange at the apple’s armor]
AD: “Do you see the way this orange tore mercilessly through the apple’s armor? This apple skin will provide absolutely no effective protection for any warrior in the battle field. This is an instant kill right here.”
[Armando points at the torn piece of paper while wearing his signature rubber gloves as he speaks]
Now it’s the orange’s turn…
[JDM throws an apple at the orange analog. It caves in a small chunk of plaster, but the orange analog stays mostly intact]
AD: [once again examining the carnage with his rubber gloves] “Okay, the apple did a massive amount of damage here, but as you can see the orange is still very much intact. There’s a LOT of blood here, there’s a LOT of damage, but at best this is a mortal wound. This is not an instant kill.”
And now our hosts deliberate on the data so far…
JDM: “Well, I gotta say, the apple’s armor gave an underwhelming performance today-“
AD: “I’d have to agree with you, Jeoff. An apple a day is supposed to keep the doctor away, but clearly, I’m still here, as well as that instant kill shot you scored when you threw the orange at it. The orange’s armor wins this contest, hands down.”
EDGE – ORANGE!
For the next test, in order to examine each weapon’s projectile power, the apple and the orange will each be shot out of a propane-fired spud gun! To measure this test with the most possible scientific accuracy, each fruit will be outfitted with an accelerometer!
[Both fruits, unfortunately, are blown to pieces upon firing. Apparently, the fragile constitution of each fruit wasn’t strong enough to hold up against the force of a propane-fired launch]
AD: “All right, see this pile of apple-scented goo over here? The apple was literally vaporized when the spud gun fired. That is the textbook definition of instant kill right there; there’s no walking away from that.”
“And while it pretty much pureed the orange too, there are still large chunks of the rind scattered about – you can see them on the ground all around us – this is also an instant kill, but the fact that there are still large chunks of the orange intact gives it an edge over the apple, I think.”
JDM: “You know, guys, in spite of all of the data we’ve gathered supporting the orange as the victor on this one, I gotta give it to the apple. I just think the apple is WAY cooler.”
EDGE – TIE!
To determine how psychological factors might come into play, former navy seal Richie Mac weighs in on the psychological makeup and battle tactics of these two fruits to determine which one has that “X-factor” edge.
RM: “Using my patented TouchTable™ device, I’m going to draw squiggly lines over this virtual picture of a fruit bowl in order to simulate relevance.”
“Oranges are high in vitamin C, otherwise known as ascorbic acid – that’s right, I said acid. So the orange is like the queen Alien of the fruit world. Not to mention that most oranges are raised in hostile climates where they’re either living under constant threat of deadly earthquakes or devastating hurricanes. The orange is one tough cookie that you don’t want to mess with.”
“The apple on the other hand may seem a little soft with its lack of effective armor and New England locale, but don’t be fooled. Apples are the ninja assassins of fruit. They’ll fall out of a tree and bash your skull in without warning, their seeds are actually poisonous to small birds, and they have a long history of being associated with temptation and treachery.”
“While the orange may have brawn on its side, the apple is an expert at strategy and psychological warfare. I’m going to have to give the apple an edge on this one.”
EDGE – APPLE!
[and now for a commercial break from our sponsors – buy The Most Deadlier Combatant video game now for xBox live and PS3!]
Now that the data has been collected and plugged into the simulator, it’s time to find out WHO…IS…THE…MOST…DEADLIER!!!”
[Cut to a bowl of fruit stacked high with apples and oranges. The camera angle changes every 3-5 seconds, but the fruits just sit there doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Finally, a random explosion blows up the fruit bowl, and after the CGI smoke clears, a single orange is left intact amongst the carnage of exploded fruit]
After five hundred THOUSAND battles, the orange comes out on top, with an astounding victory of 51.3% to the apple’s measly 49.7%.
JDM: “The orange absolutely slammed the apple in this competition. Hands down! No question about it.”
AD: “You know, the apple put up a good fight, but given the amount of instant kills the orange dealt, I’m really not surprised that it came out victorious. Oh, and as per my contractual obligation to the show, let me just say one more thing: instant kill, instant kill, instantkillinstantkillinstantkill!!!”
[Armandoux smiles smoothly at the camera, flashing his perly white teeth and a rubber-gloved thumbs up]
RM: “It just goes to show you, you can have all the strategy you want, but good ol’ fashioned brawn will still get you pretty far on the battlefield.”
Be sure to tune in next week, when our hosts settle the score once and for all between our next two combatants: Jehova’s Witness vs. Pennsylvania Quaker!