NINTENDO TESTS NEW BUSINESS MODEL: STEALS CANDY FROM BABIES

Y’all Remember a few years ago when Nintendo unleashed a massive wave of copyright strikes against YouTubers who did Lets Plays of their games? Because it was such a hot topic at the time, I had to write about it.

This is one of many abandoned babies from the DMfiat.com days. I wrote a satirical news column for the site called “Loaded 20” – I was basically the Andy Borowitz of one of the most popular gaming-themed websites on the internet at the time. Sadly, the site isn’t around anymore. But I held on to all the fake news articles I wrote for posterity.

Enjoy.

CHICAGO, IL – Earlier this week, the Japanese conglomerate Nintendo made a shocking announcement with regards to YouTube channels who broadcast videos of gamers playing through their videogames, often referred to as “Let’s Play” videos. The company has approached YouTube and requested that ads start running on those videos (if they aren’t already), and that the ad revenue be transferred directly to Nintendo – as opposed to the YouTuber who took the time to buy the game, play through it, edit the video, render it, upload it to the popular video-hosting site, and give the company profit-generating publicity absolutely free of charge.

This move has been ill received by the gaming community, and threats of Nintendo boycotts have been spreading all across the internet. This, however, has not discouraged the industrial gaming giant from stepping down and adjusting their business model into a more community-driven, gamer-friendly direction.

If anything, it has been the radiation needed to evolve their lizardly company into a Godzilla-like monster.

Earlier today Nintendo announced that the “stealing money from people who work hard and/or can’t defend themselves” business model was so profitable that they plan to expand into non-game related industries in order to exploit it for the sake of their bottom line.

For starters, Nintendo plans to extend its reach into the restaurant industry. It is uncertain which popular franchise they will purchase, but the unlucky servers who work there will be required to turn in 100% of their nightly tips to management, who will then keep a small cut for themselves and pass the rest of the profits onto Nintendo. So far, The Cheesecake Factory or Applebee’s look like primary targets for the company given their infamous reputation for server exploitation.

There are also unsubstantiated claims that the “family friendly” conglomerate may extend this new business model into the adult entertainment industry. There are thousands of amateur pornographic videos across scores of different websites in which actors fornicate within visible proximity to popular NES consoles. And because Nintendo’s brand is present in these films, however briefly or insignificantly, the rumor is that they may throw their weight around and claim copyright infringement. If this passes through the courts, Nintendo will be granted 100% of the profits from these films, claiming that “the glory of representing Mother Nintendo” is compensation enough for the actors and producers.

When asked what’s next on the agenda for the company, a spokesman (who asked not to be named) said: “babies. We see them everywhere, eating delicious candy, which is bad for them by the way…and they are too young and weak to prevent us from taking it away from them and selling it to others. We would be doing them a favor, really, by protecting them from childhood obesity and rotten teeth. Plus, we would make a significant profit from it. So what’s not to love about taking candies from babies? Who could possibly get angry at us for doing that?”

Click here if you like what you just read (and want to throw a little something in my virtual busker hat)