NFL Owners Vote to Make Football Games a “Safe Space” for White People

I’m pretty sure this piece speaks for itself. When the vote went down and all the casual racists in my family were “celebrating” the decision, my brain spewed this one out as a way to deal with my frustrations over the issue.


THURSDAY, MAY 24TH, ATLANTA – The creation of safe spaces is an ever-growing trend all across the USA, regardless of which side of the political fence you fall on. And now, the National Football League is jumping on the bandwagon.

Earlier today, NFL owners voted that players must stand for the national anthem before every game or be financially penalized. The vote was held in response to outrage from white people who have been psychologically scarred by the athletes’ peaceful protests.

The protests, in which (predominantly) black athletes demonstrated their frustration with systemic racism by solemnly kneeling before the American flag, have been traumatically upsetting for millions of their caucasian fans. White people argue that they are “just trying to watch a football game”, and shouldn’t be forced to confront the painful fact that innocent people (who are not white) are being murdered in the streets on a daily basis. In their opinion, these protests are an existential threat to white people’s very existence.

Hundreds of white NFL fans gathered around the building this morning in order to hold a candlelight vigil before the vote. Despite the fact that millions of NFL fans (who also happen to be caucasian) were threatening the financial livelihoods of the owners by demanding refunds on their season tickets and also promising to start, um, following some other sport, there were some white people who feared that the vote would not fall in their favor.  

“I think white people do deserve a safe space to escape the horrors that are happening in our country today,” said Britney Clarke of Jacksonville, FL, who drove all the way to Atlanta to support the vigil. “Why are they trying to blame white people for racism, anyway? I didn’t do anything! I’ve never lynched anybody. I’ve never shot an innocent teenager because I thought his chocolate bar looked like a gun. I’ve never even owned a slave! 

“As a matter of fact, one of my best friends is black. You’d really like her. Her name is Stacy, we met in college when we joined the same sorority at UF, and I think she’s a wonderful person. She’s very well spoken and super smart. Besides, it’s not like black people don’t have their own safe spaces, like barbecues, and Baptist churches, and step teams…and don’t forget the Apollo!” she insisted, rolling her eyes in disgust.

“Oh, and just what the hell is a ‘microaggression’ anyway?!” she shouted back over her shoulder as she walked away.

Another vigil participant, Chad Peterson, was brave enough to give us his thoughts on the matter despite his fear of reprisal. “Those people need to shut up with their silent protests already and let us white people enjoy our entertainment in peace! I mean, if anything, we should be protesting them. We rescued their ancestors from that shithole Africa country, we gave them their freedom eventually, we let them have the right to vote and own property – hell, if it wasn’t for us, they wouldn’t be getting paid millions of dollars to entertain us while playing this sport! I mean, yeah, sure, TBIs are a thing or whatever, but they got plenty of money. They can afford health care. I don’t know why the $%&@ they’re complaining about equality. They should be saying ‘thank you’ to each and every white person they see,” he slurred before belching loudly and crushing a can of Bud Light on his forehead.

“I mean, can’t they see?!” he said, eyes watering. “Can’t they see the pain that their protests are causing my people? Can’t they put themselves in my shoes, for once?!”

Interestingly enough, despite the noticeably monochromatic makeup of the crowd, there was one lone black person present at the vigil. He told us his name was “Tom” and that, unlike the majority of athletes in the NFL, he knew a lot about real American history. 

“This country wasn’t founded by a bunch of entitled snowflakes who thought they had the right to ‘peacefully’ protest their government over every petty little thing that made them upset,” he insisted, making sure to punctuate the word “peacefully” with sarcastic air quotes before taking a sip of Boston Tea. “Our founding fathers were smart, intelligent, Christian men who knew the value of swearing their lives and their loyalty to a higher authority bestowed with the God-given right to rule. And they never questioned that, not even once!

“By refusing to swear allegiance to the flag, they’re disrespecting our founding fathers. They’re disrespecting this country, which is the the greatest, best country God has ever given man on the face of the earth. They’re disrespecting the memory of every soldier who has sacrificed to serve this country, including that dipshit Nate Boyer,” he spat with disgust. “I mean, do black people really have it so hard? I don’t think so. I know I don’t. I have the same right to pursue life, liberty, and happiness just like anybody else. The cops aren’t preventing me, or any other black person, from living a long and successful life. Black people are doing that to themselves by playing the victim.”

This piece is dedicated in loving memory of Tom, who tragically perished on his way home from the vigil after being pulled over due to a turn signal violation. The coroner’s report lists a very rare and previously undiagnosed heart condition as the cause of death, and not the repeated tasing which Tom received while he was resisting arrest.

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