This is one of many abandoned babies from my DMfiat.com days. I wrote a satirical news column for the site called “Loaded 20” – I was basically the Andy Borowitz of one of the most popular gaming-themed websites on the internet at the time. Sadly, the site isn’t around anymore. But I held on to all the fake news articles I wrote for posterity. I’m pretty sure I wrote this right around the time that NASA officially declared Pluto was no longer a planet. This was my little satirical clap-back.
DALLAS, TX – The highly controversial war on “fake geek girls” has claimed another casualty today. The National Association of Smart & Angry-Nerds (NASA-n for short) has officially removed Felicia Day from the international database of recognized female geeks.
In a private press conference held earlier this week, a NASA-n spokesman explained the decision to reporters, citing controversies over recent non-geek related mainstream television appearances, a questionable obsession with romance novels, and a recent declaration by Tony “Effing” Harris that she reportedly induces him with “Rage-Wood”.
“We sincerely apologize for any confusion,” the spokesman said, “but when we first started studying geek girls many years ago, we didn’t know as much about them as we do today. Back then, it made total sense to call anyone who smelled nice and could quote Star Wars a legitimate ‘geek girl’. But with our rapidly expanding body of scientific knowledge on all things both geek and female, it has come to our attention that Ms. Day no longer fulfills the requirements to qualify for a fully-fledged ‘geek’ status.”
The NASA-n spokesman later followed up by assuring male fans of Felicia Day that her status as a female was not being called into question, just her nerd credentials. “She’s still our go-to backup for self-gratification when we can’t find any Christina Hendricks porn, and that doesn’t make any of us feel uncomfortable with our sexuality,” he reiterated to the press.
Following the official decision, NASA-n and several other parties are drawing up a class-action law suit against YouTube and Ms. Day for her popular channel Geek and Sundry. Rumor has it that either the name must be changed to something more befitting Day’s business model and branding, or that she no longer accept ad revenue from her videos.
“It’s not fair that she gets to profit off of real nerds by being attractive and smart,” one anonymous comic book store employee commented in a forum post dedicated to The Guild. “She needs to pick a side. We’re at war…against fake geek girls.”
Ms. Day was not immediately available for comment following the press conference. However, an official statement from her publicist was issued this morning:
“These allegations challenging Felicia Day’s ‘geek cred’ are preposterous and factually untrue. Just because some socially awkward virgins felt funny in the pants after watching Dragon Age: Redemption doesn’t mean Ms. Day is exploiting geek culture for personal profit of any kind. Her professional and private interests in all things geek-related are legitimate and long-standing passions which she has been fortunate enough to turn into a lucrative career.
“Next thing you know, they’ll be trying to tell us that Pluto isn’t a planet anymore or something equally insane.”