Arrow to Fans: “Training Montages Will Be Increased by 20% Next Season”

This is one of many abandoned babies from the days. I wrote a satirical news column for the site called “Loaded 20” – I was basically the Andy Borowitz of one of the most popular gaming-themed websites on the internet at the time. Sadly, the site isn’t around anymore. But I held on to all the fake news articles I wrote for posterity.


HOLLYWOOD, CA – Today the producers of the popular CW show Arrow have announced that the number of training montages featured in the show are going to be on the rise, thanks to fan feedback and the overwhelming popularity of the show’s two main male characters.

“We’ve listened to what our viewer base has to say, and we want to make sure they keep tuning in,” reports a spokesman for the show. “Plot, storyline continuity, and adherence to the original graphic novel are all secondary concerns to the presence of hot, sweaty, well-oiled and muscular men fighting each other every 20 minutes.”

When asked for comment from the actors, specifically Stephen Amell (who plays Oliver Queen) and David Ramsey (of Dexter fame who also plays John Diggle, which Arrow producers promise us was totally not supposed to be a porn name) were happy about the decision.

“Half of our viewer demographic doesn’t actually know who [my character] Oliver Queen is…and they still don’t,” Amell lamented. “Hopefully, getting more screen time while looking greasy and shirtless will help sell my role to our viewing audience.”

“Normally, I’m opposed to on-screen nudity, or even semi-nudity,” added Ramsey. “But if it’s artistically done in order to bring depth and substance to my role as an actor, I’m okay with it. I’m also okay with it if it keeps my bosses signing my paychecks and increases the number of fangirls who follow my career.”

Naturally, such a decision doesn’t go announced without facing some level of controversy. The minority of fans of the series who are not hormone-infused teenage females are passionately upset by the lack of adherence to original story canon…and also the lack of sexual exploitation regarding the female characters.

“Arrow is selling out, and it’s pretty obvious,” fanboys have angrily commented on various forum posts. “When are we going to get to see Thea in her underwear? Or Laurel topless? And why did they make Count Vertigo into a realistic, inner-city drug dealer instead of the laughably unbelievable Batman-Returns-Esque Supervillian who has the power to make people dizzy, kind of?” raged one particular viewer.

“It is insulting to all the male fans that the producers of this show are exploiting their attractive male talent in order to draw in more female viewers,” commented ForwardThinkingChauvanist_86. “It’s disgusting, and it makes the show nearly impossible to watch.”

Producers insist that they are taking the concerns over their decision seriously beneath the piles of money they are projected to make once season 2 starts airing. “No, for reals, we’re deeply interested in all viewer opinions,” one show producer uttered in a completely unsarcastic tone while rolling around in a giant pile of $20 bills.

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