I remember getting my first set of gaming dice like it was yesterday…most likely because I still have them. They look a little something like this:
Yes, they are pink. I’m a damn girl, so sue me. I have tiny, adorable girl-hands that like to roll my girly pink dice. Sometimes, when I’m not gaming, I like to shove my girl-hands into girly boxing gloves and score IRL crits against 200 lb. punching bags for fun.
Are you still laughing at my pink dice?
Crap, I’m getting off-topic. Anywhoo, this article isn’t about my dice (or my badass ground-and-pound skills). It’s about one die in particular, the D12, and my epic quest to find a use for it.
Gamers, scientists, philosophers, and geomatrists have been pondering the mysterious nature of the D12 for ages. “What is it?” they like to ask themselves, claiming that they were talking to the cat in order to avoid looking crazy. “Where did it come from? What does it even do?”
Attempts at delving into the mysteries surrounding the D12 have led to countless dead ends, inexplicable deaths, and (according to some) Scientology. The nature of the D12 is a veiled and mysterious one indeed. But despite the seductive and enigmatic nature of this sultry dodecahedron, it has no practical purpose.
Regardless, once you have one, you’re stuck with it. You can’t sell it, as it has no inherent value. You can’t trade it, because…well, you know, that whole ‘not having any inherent value’ thing. You can try giving it away by lying to a fellow gamer and claiming that it is in fact a D20, but even the dimmest player may become aware of your ruse after losing enough simple melee fights with unarmored kobolds. And you need to have a really high dex mod if you want to avoid having it returned to your possession by a violent (and extremely rude, Jeremy,) act of D12-on-eye-socket aggression.
Maybe I felt bad for my underutilized and unloved piece of plastic because it reminded me of those lonely days during kindergarten recess where I had to pretend that cat poop was buried treasure thanks to Stacie Charleson telling all the other kids I had “the AIDS cooties”. Or maybe, after that one “camping” trip where my dad threw me out of the car, tossed a crushed PB&J sandwich at me, suggested with a Keystone-scented growl that I “make it last”, and didn’t pick me up for three days, I have a strong aversion to wasting things. Regardless, I felt a deep, emotional need to make sure this lonely and ignored little die had a purpose in life.
My first idea, which I just invented 37 seconds ago, was to invent newer and better games that those mainstream-dice-loving losers can’t play unless they have a D12. And let me tell you, I came up with a fabulous game.
It’s called “The D12 Power Hour”. It’s similar to a regular power hour in which you take a shot of beer once every sixty seconds for a whole hour, except it incorporates the glory of chance. Here are the rules:
The D12 Power Hour
- Roll your D12, and take as many shots of beer as the die tells you to.
- Set a timer for 12 minutes.
- Once the timer goes off, roll your die again and take as many shots as it tells you to.
- Lather, rinse, and repeat! If it works for shampoo, why can’t it work for a D12, huh?
- Stop after 5 rolls, or if the die actually starts telling you how many shots to take (whichever comes first).
- Check to make sure that you are
- still conscious, and
- that you haven’t puked yet.
As a matter of fact, I think I’ll play right now.
Hmm…8. *gulp* I can already tell this game is going to be awesome. *gulp*Take that, liver! *gulp* but don’t play this game unless you’re 21! *gulp* I don’t need The Law to come snooping around my place and accuse me of encouraging underage drinking. *gulp* that’s what the ABC Family channel is for *gulp*, and if there’s one thing I don’t do *gulp*, it’s step on other people’s toes *gulp*!
Why do I have the strangest feeling that this article just got AWESOME?!?
Wait, where were we? Oh, right, finding new and creative uses for your D12. Let’s see…how else can we make good use of the red-headed ginger stepchild of the gaming-dice world? Let’s put together a list. My doctor told me I shouldn’t make lists because it aggravates my OCD, but screw that D-bag. What does he know, anyway?
Below are some suggestions for making use of-
Oh crap, my 12-minute timer went off already? Damn. Okay, bear with me here, people…
*One die roll and 9 shots later*
*hic* Where were we? Oh yeah, the red-headed stepchild of the dice world. And recycling…and shit. Anyway, with a D12, instead of wastefully throwing it out, you can:
- *hic* Mount it into a silver setting and wear it as jewelry (dude, my die makes a perfect replica of the Bennifer engagement ring!)
- Use it as a paperweight – but only in a windless environment, preferably indoors, and only around people who aren’t breathing too hard
- Practice your stone-skipping abilities without actually wasting any flat rocks
- If you are an amateur sharp-shooter, you can use them for target practice…oh, sure, people brag about being able to shoot the dots off a six-sided die, but can those amateurs shoot the numbers off a twelve-sided die?! I don’t *hic* think so!
- As a cat toy…holy crap, look at my cat go! He friggin’ LOVES that thing! It’s better than a laser pointer!
- If you have some water, some iron shavings, some corn starch, and a HUGE magnet, you can make a non-Newtonian fluid that – hold on, my timer just went off again.
Okay, I got a 10 this time…I’d better cut this short. The warning on the beer bottle says I shouldn’t *hic* operate heavy machinery, or something…