Back when I used to be a paid contributor to DMfiat.com, I wrote a few lighthearted pieces about terrible/satirical gaming advice for D&D nerds. This was my first one. Despite how old these are, I think they have some evergreen appeal.
Let’s face it: literacy is hard. Reading every single player’s handbook, actually understanding the rules, and doing math on top of everything?! Hey, you’re just trying to have fun here. Giant, barbarian half-orcs wielding two-handed mega-swords don’t read. They don’t waste time on math.
So why does your DM expect you to waste time and effort with silly things like “rules” and “understanding them”?
If you are stuck in this unfortunate situation, have no fear. There are ways to ensure that your awesome, badass, broken character will live long enough to see the end of your campaign. Just follow my simple advice…
Tip #1: Be a Girl
No, I’m not talking about your character. I’m talking about you, the fleshy meat-sack whose gelatinous eyeballs are reading these words RIGHT NOW. Are you a girl? Look down between your legs. Go ahead; I’ll wait. What have you got down there? Are you staring at a vagina? Are there also some boobs in your peripheral vision right now? Good! Then you’re on the right track.
See, odds are your Dungeon Master is going to be male*. Not only that, but he is very likely going to be the type of male who is susceptible to things like “boobs” and “vaginas”.
Think about it: some boobs and a vagina named “Helen of Troy” got two of the greatest civilizations of their era to kill the shit out of each other just for access to those lovely lady lumps. Joan of Arc convinced a bunch of macho, French soldiers to follow her into battle based on
hearing the voice of God in her brain her young and perky T&A.
Don’t believe me? It’s still happening to this very day. Boobs and vaginas are infiltrating positions of power which they would normally be denied access to based on sensible reasons like “she’s horrifically unqualified” or “bitch got crazy eyes”. Still skeptical? Then let’s try a little thought experiment. Imagine these two women:
…but without boobs OR vaginas. What are you left with?
“But I’m a feminist, you asshole!” you might be shouting nonsensically at the screen right now. “I’m not going to whore myself just to keep a fictional character alive!” Well a), you’re a total buzz kill, and 2) you don’t have to if you don’t want to. According to science, “lady tears” have the power to lower a man’s testosterone, that chemical responsible for making them all aggressive and PC-murder-happy. So the next time your DM tries to blast your character into oblivion, maybe squeezing out a few crocodile tears in or out of character will have him thinking twice about whether or not killing you is such a good idea.
Tip #2: Learn how to Cook
“But I thought you already covered this under ‘Tip #1: Being a Girl’?” some of you sexist bastards may be rhetorically asking your computer screen. To that I say a), why do you people keep talking to your computer screen? You know I can’t actually hear you, right? And 2), only about 50% of you at most are going to be capable of following my advice in tip #1. The rest of you will have to compensate for your shortcomings in other ways. Learning how to cook is one of the easiest and most rewarding ways to do this.
While the old adage claims that “the quickest way to a man’s heart is through the sternum with a sharp knife”, that sort of garbage is for NERDS who paid way too much attention during anatomy class. And let’s be honest; their kind aren’t welcome here.
A more modern version of that phrase, that the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, can be more effectively applied. For your next gaming session, bring a large plate of delicious food. Make sure there is enough for everyone so that your fellow gamers don’t start trying to snipe you, of course; but always give the DM first dibs. Do a little detective work if you have to and find out his favorite food first. This will effectively give your dish a +2 diplomacy bonus.
Then, as the game progresses, any time an enemy closes in to finish off your character with a killing blow, simply make a comment about how “it would be a shame if Rodgort the Orcinator got killed and I couldn’t bring this amazing [insert name of whatever-the-hell-you-just-made here] to our gaming sessions anymore.” Your DM may think twice and aim his monster’s next coup de grace at your party’s useless and annoying paladin instead.
Tip #3: Presents (in the form of supplemental literature)
DMs love collecting supplemental handbooks which can add depth and nuance to your game. But often these books are expensive and sometimes hard to come by. That’s where you and your wallet come in.
After all, what are you really spending your money on? Figs? Dice? Printing off character sheet after character sheet at Kinko’s because your DM keeps killing your characters? Bills? Gasoline? Please. You’ve got the spare change, and you DM knows it.
Also, there’s a good chance that if you get the right book, a lot of the artwork included will contain buxom, attractive illustrations of boobs and vaginas. This can be an excellent way to supplement tip #1 of you don’t happen to possess the proper equipment yourself.
Tip #4: A Flat-Out Cash Bribe
Whether your GM/DM wants women, food, books, or naked women serving him food while turning the pages of his new books for him, any and all of these goals can be achieved with cold, hard cash. Just make sure the DM knows that you aren’t contributing to his finances out of the kindness of your heart. Scrawling a simple yet pithy message over Benjamin Franklin’s face, such as “Please do not kill my sweet, innocent Rodgort!” should get your point across.
There you have it; four surefire tips for bribing your character’s way to eternal glory.
*If your DM is a girl…sorry, but I can’t help you there. You’re fucking screwed…especially if she’s on her period or something.