Kill ‘Till Jill Takes a Chill Pill (Vol II)

I hope you’ve already read Vol I of this story. If not, go back and read it first (or this won’t make ANY sense!). Enjoy.

Chapter IV: 1-800-DIAL-A-HO

Ahsley was armed and well on her way to defeating her foe, Jill. But first, she had to make a quick stop; call it a warm-up if you will.

As she pulled up in front of the aluminum-sided trailer, located not-so-conveniently in the heart of the Jerri Springs trailer park, Ahsley couldn’t help but grip the steering wheel of her Ecko-Sport in intense anger as she reflected back to what happened that fateful day at Hooterz four weeks ago…

***flashback to four weeks ago***

As Ahsley lay there on the floor, bleeding, badly beaten, with a gun to her temple and about ready to die, Jill was suddenly stopped from pulling the trigger by a fellow co-worker, MANdrea. MANdrea wasn’t her real name of course, but she was appropriately nicknamed. She had a freakishly tall, lanky body with no feminine curves of any kind; she had a deep, almost manly voice; and she had a raunchy, disgusting attitude that made sailors blush.

However, through whatever fluke of the universe, she grabbed Jill’s pistol-toting arm and almost had a moment of intelligent lucidity. Almost.

“Wait, why do we have to kill her? We’ve already beaten her into submission; can’t we just make her our day shift bitch? You know, put her in the back every day so that she not only won’t get any tables, but she’ll be forced to do all of the gimp-work up front for us?” MANdrea protested.

“Because we may have beaten her this time, but she’s changed since she left,” Jill explained. “I could see it in her eyes when she actually had the nerve to stand up to me. If we let her live, she’ll only come back stronger. And then she’ll change things. The whole system of the day shift will be gone forever.”

“Are you saying what I think you’re saying?” MANdrea whispered in terror.

“Yes,” Jill responded ominously.

“You mean, I won’t be able to offer blow-jobs to customers right in front of their girlfriends anymore? I won’t be able to have affairs with married men? I won’t even be able to flash my ass cheeks to anyone with a camera, or have violent confrontations with weaker girls in the middle of the floor for all the customers to see?” MANdrea asked, horrified. 

“That’s exactly what I’m saying. Not only that, but all the hard work that we’ve put into building the stereotype of Hooterz girls only being able to make their money by crawling out from under their tables will be shattered into oblivion.”

“You mean I’d have to start making my money by acting like a waitress and giving good customer service? I’ll go broke! I’ll starve!” MANdrea wailed in agony. “I swear to God Jill, if you don’t cap that goddamn bitch right now I’ll snap her neck my-FUCKING-self!” She growled, reaching for Jill’s gun.

“Relax, I got this,” she smiled cooly, squeezing the trigger.

***back to present day***

So there Ahsley was, knocking on MANdrea’s front door. 

“Wow Andy, I can’t believe you’re early! I guess you didn’t have as much trouble sneaking away from your wife and kids as you thought you would-” She called, abruptly stopping mid-sentence upon opening the door and recognizing what she thought was her long-departed foe. Ahsley wasted no time whatsoever in forcing her way in and engaging in hand-to-hand combat with the skank whore. 

Eventually, after fighting their way around the entire double-wide trailer, Ahsley hand MANdrea cornered in what could be thought of as a living room; Ahsley armed with the broken, jagged edge of a glass bottle of “Bass Pro Shop Malt Liquor”, while MANdrea pitifully tried to defend herself with a makeshift cardboard shield made from an empty case of Keystone Light beer.

However, right as Ahsley was about to move in for the kill, there was a knock at the door, and a male voice on the other side. “MANdrea,” he whined, “open up. It’s Andy. I don’t have much time; I shouldn’t even be here. My wife has been getting suspicious lately. But I know you need to pay your bills and, well, you know what I need…”

MANdrea gave Ahsley a big-eyed, pleading look for mercy that almost inspired sympathy in her. But it was Ahsley’s fear of a witness to MANdrea’s future murder that motivated her to put the broken bottle away and move so that MANdrea could open the door and let him in. Ahsley stood out of the way behind the open door until MANdrea had returned from escorting her client into her bedroom and locking him in.  

“You want some coffee?” MANdrea asked bitterly. 

“Sure,” Ahsley replied, with an equally disgusted tone.

“You still take arsnic right?” MANdrea asked, a sarcastic whim in her voice.

“Sure, ever since I built up that resistance to it,” Ahsley replied, dead serious.

“Dammit!” MANdrea cursed under her breath, putting the poison back into the drawer. 

“You know, I thought you had gone out of business by now; I tried calling “1-800-DIAL-A-HO” before I showed up, but it said that the number was disconnected and no longer in service,” Ahsley hissed.

“That’s the fuckin’ phone company for ya. You go just six measly little months without paying your phone bill and they freak out and cut off your service,” she bitched. 

“Yeah, you would know about servicing, wouldn’t you?” Ahsley accused.

“Look bitch, I need to know if you’re gonna start anymore shit around my customers, because – “

“You can relax for now. I’m not going to murder you with witnesses in the trailer.”

“That’s being more rational than Jill led me to believe you were capable of.”

“It’s mercy, compassion, and forgiveness I lack; not rationality,” Ahsley hissed.

“Okay, I can understand you’re mad. If someone had tried to kill me I’d be pretty pissed off too. But it was Jill who pulled the trigger! Why aren’t you bangin’ down her door? Why are you trying to kill me too?” MANdrea whined.

“Maybe it’s because you’re a trashy skank. Maybe it’s because you actively try to make my life miserable by making Hooterz girls look like prostitutes in orange shorts. Or maybe I just want to warm up before taking on the really big bitch. Either way, I have to ask: how does it feel to know that you’re going to die today?” Ahsley asked, menacingly.

“Look, I’m one of the strongest girls working at that store right now. There’s so many new girls that if anything were to happen to me, that store would straight shut down – “

“Oh, boo-hoo,” Ahsley grumbled sarcastically. “I don’t care.”

“Be that as it may, I beseech you to let me live on behalf of that restaurant!” MANdrea demanded.

“Bitch; you can stop right there,” Ahsley hissed. “Just because your dumb ass manages to learn how to use a few ten dollar words and bully around all the new girls doesn’t mean that flaunting that shit in my face is going to inspire sympathy. You and I have unfinished business, and not a goddamn fucking thing you’ve done in the past subsequent four weeks is going to change that.”

“So, when do we do this?” MANdrea demanded.

“How about…right now!” Ahsley screamed, pulling her samurai sword out from its concealed location and slicing MANdrea in half with it. Ahsley smiled with sly satisfaction as MANdrea’s blood splattered all over the kitchen. 

Chapter V: Showdown at the House of Hooterz

So there Ahsley was, at the front door of her old restaurant, like she had been so many times before that summer. The only difference was that tonight, she wasn’t here to work; she was here to kill. Jill.

Instead of sneaking around and wasting a whole bunch of good, quality killing time, Ahsley walked through the front door and called Jill out.


Just as Ahsley had finished screaming her guts out to the entire restaurant, a swarm of subordinates filled the restaurant and surrounded Ahsley, followed by Jill at the very end. Jill gave her enemy a cold, hard stare as she watched Ahsley sigh and roll her eyes in frustration at having to fight so many people just to get to Jill. 

“You didn’t really think it was going to be that easy, did you?” Jill smirked.

“You know, for a second there, yeah. I kinda did. I mean, I knew it would be a little bit harder than slicing MANdrea to pieces, but I never imagined this – “

“You killed MANdrea?!?” Jill raged. “Candy, Cookie, get her!” she barked, ordering two trainees to attack Ahsley. The two bubbleheads came at Ahsley with gel-roller switchblades, which were no match for Ahsley’s bad-ass weapon. She quickly sliced off their arms at the elbows and turned to face her foe as the two henchwomen rolled around on the floor in bloody, screaming agony.

“Bring it on,” Ahsley hissed. By now, all of the customers in the entire restaurant had cleared out, screaming and running for their very lives.

“Okay, everyone: TEAR THAT BITCH APART!” Jill screamed, retiring herself to the back room, leaving dozens of orange and white clad Hooterz girls to take Ahsley out. It was a long, hard, bloody struggle; but after several dismembered body parts, broken tables, chairs, and enough bloodshed to satisfy the red cross for a year (and enough cillicone-shed to satisfy California for a month), Ahsley, physically exhausted, stumbled towards the back room. It was only her burning, seething hatred for Jill that kept her going. 

Upon turning the corner and arriving at her final destination, she saw a sight that she never thought she’d see again. There were Bob and James, sitting at their usual table, drinking their usual beers, laughing it up and having a good old time. Ahsley wanted to cry.

“Hey, it’s Ahsley!” Bob cheered gleefully. 

“Hey, cool!” James echoed. “Wait a second, Jill told us you were dead.”

“Oh, she will be,” Jill said cooly, emerging from behind another corner, armed with a razor-edged hoola-hoop. 

“Ooh, a cat fight! Awesome!” Bob said, excitedly jumping around in his chair.

“Yeah; and over us! Who’da thunk it?” James agreed. Ahsley smiled. Those were her boys all right; always looking on the comical, bright side of life.

“Well, I hope you’ve saved your energy. If you haven’t, you might not last five minutes. But at least you get to see Bob and James one last time. I thought I’d at least do you that one favor, since this time I’m going to make damn sure I kill you for good.”

Enraged at Jill’s haughtiness, Ahsley lunged in to attack. At first, she managed to slice Jill’s razor-hoop in half, which turned out to be a bad thing, because it doubled Jill’s weapons. Then Jill took a cheap shot and sliced a huge gash across Ahsley’s back. 

“Silly Caucasian girl likes to play with samurai swords,” Jill giggled as Ahsley lay on the floor, bleeding and breathless. Ahsley’s anger reached a new height, somehow digging deep inside to give her the strength to stand up and make one last attempt to take her enemy down.

“Attack me with all you have,” Ahsley muttered, stumbling on her words as she struggled to stand up. Jill let out a hideous cackle as she lunged at Ahsley with her razor-hoops; then wailed in agony as Ahsley managed to slice her kneecap in half.

Jill looked down in horror at her bloody leg, hobbling away from her deadly enemy. “For ridiculing you earlier, I apologize,” she whispered through stinging pain.

“Accepted,” Ahsley mumbled back humbly.

“You know, you could still make an excellent day girl. It’s not as bad as you think, selling your self-respect. You make so much money in return; I can think of a dozen regulars that would love to have you crawling out from under their tables – “

“Save the ‘join me on the dark side’ bullshit speech for someone who’s stupid enough to listen,” Ahsley growled, straightening up for one final attack. The two women ran up and down the back room, swords and razors flying, until finally Ahsley decapitated Jill in one quick, clean swoop. 

Tired, bloody, and just about ready to collapse, Ahsley meandered over to where Bob and James were seated. “So boys, did you miss me?” she greeted happily, relieved to have finally completed her task at getting her customers back.

The End